Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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