so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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