Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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