I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
