So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
