He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's always time for handjobs
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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