Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
