if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
