I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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