Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
