Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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