My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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