We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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