Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?