if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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