party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.