i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
