I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was born a porn star she said
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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