It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
