Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
