You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
