Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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