so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
