His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Randomize
