I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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