i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
