Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
