If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
