The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
