Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
