it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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