One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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