apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
