I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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