tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
