I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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