She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
