Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
