my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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