Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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