I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
