I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
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just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize