i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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