I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
