Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
