is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i drank out of a bidet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
