Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
