There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
