I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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