I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
