This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
