I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
