I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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