I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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