you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
