I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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