A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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