I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
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I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
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He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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