So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
