Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
