It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
