you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
