***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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