you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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